In 2017, if I had a penny for every time I had to explain how I just got dumped and quit my job ……. I wouldn't have been in overdraft.
Following the aftermath of all things shitty in my life; the only people who had seen me cry my eyes out were my parents, my speech therapist, God, my cousin and a group of close friends. It was a struggle sharing my distress, as for anyone who knows me well enough, I'm always there to comfort people in their time of need, but vice versa, I felt like I was a burden. Thankfully these wonderful people, reassured me I wasn't a complete mess.
However, it wouldn't be too long until I was faced again with the struggle of sharing the broken pieces of my life. And as a result of living in a small town in Surrey and having the added bonus of being Asian, it wasn't long until everyone knew my business. I didn't want other people knowing what a disaster my life had become. I felt like a complete failure in my relationship and just in my life. Prior to the breakup and all things shit, I was smug naive knobhead gushing about my new job and how things were moving forward in my relationship. And then a month later, I was faced with everyone knowing me as this girl who got dumped and is now unemployed at the age of 26. However, with time, I started to not feel so sorry for myself and feel so self-absorbed. I realised that this perspective I had 'of what people would think of me now,' wasn't what people thought of me, this is what I thought of myself. That is what happens when you're swimming through the gutters of your depression, your sense of self is literally in the gutter.
This shit had to stop and like overcoming shit, it wasn't going to happen overnight baby steps. My first stop was my local Tesco's. & you're probably literally laughing out loud, trying to comprehend what is so daunting about going to your local Tesco's? Tesco's was the very place my relationship began. And the likely hood of myself bumping into the following people; mutual acquaintances of me and my now ex, my ex and my ex's mother (AKA Hitler), was so high that I felt that jumping off a cliff would be more satisfying.
You may question, why not shop somewhere else then? If this very billion-pound establishment would trigger so many memories. The reason for this was given my current unemployment status, shopping at Waitrose was now a luxury. Except that wasn't the real reason, ok it was partially the reason.....As daunting as it was, I just knew I couldn't hide away and avoid certain places/people forever, I had to face the music…. And I knew that music would feel like a painfully overhyped song on the radio.
So, I put on my semi brave face and had prepared a mini script in my head, if I was to be approached and questioned. However, that script went to utter shit and when I was approached on countless occasions, by every mutual Tom, Dick and Harry my response would be a bucket of tears.... awkward... I soon started to contemplate in throwing in the towel and going to further locations to run my errands. But by the power of the words of wisdom from my Dad, thankfully that irrational logic never saw the light of day. My dad's advice really prevented me from going down a route that would further damage my self-worth drastically. My dad could literally say one word in a crisis and everything would be ok. He advised me that,' ‘you have nothing to feel guilty about and you shouldn't let people dictate where you go.' People break up and if people ask you, you can either just simply answer or choose not to answer.'
Months, weeks, days, seasons or in U.K. rain, more rain and a couple of weeks of sunshine passed by; and there was no escaping bumping into mutual friends and acquaintances that I and Bob once knew and the questions never stopped. However one thing did gradually stop, with painful practice, I gradually stopped caring about what people thought.
Moving forward, I made the conscious decision that whomever I would encounter whether that be Bob, his mother (AKA Hitler) or anyone mutually connected, I would simply just be civil. And that doesn't mean engaging in a lengthy conversation, but just simply not addressing these people with the same disrespect they had displayed towards me. I would simply acknowledge their unworthy presence in a peaceful manner and continue with my day.
In the words of Selena Gomez, ‘Kill them with kindness.'
Hmmm, I wonder if you could actually kill someone with kindness?