Definition: The change that happens to someone’s personality when he or she spends time with someone from his or her past. (I got that definition from google, so it is legit).
Also, Revertigo is a real thing fam, it really is…
FYI: This particular event that I’ll be sharing with you, was a lesson that I learnt back in 2017 from my breakup, however, it was something that I had to relearn this year. Because life does this thing where it checks up on you to remind you to stop acting like a dumb hoe.
My Revertigo began around July 2018, through a particular social media site, with a guy let’s call him Dave. Whose Dave you may ask? Dave was the very last guy I was with before Bob. Before I begin spilling the tea from this particular short chapter in my life, I believe all stories are worth telling even if they are brief and uneventful because there is always a reason/ lesson to be gained; just like Mine and Dave’s way back 2012, fuck that’s a long time ago! I and Dave were nothing serious at all, in fact, the whole ‘seeing each other,’ lasted for a couple of weeks towards the end of 2012. Shortly after, in a relationship with Bob. Right now, I can hear myself as coming off as a bit of a hoe…... But that’s beside the point. Naturally, the line of communication with Dave came to an end, when I was with Bob. Because even though I & Dave remained civil with each other, I found no real reason to retain a connection with him, we weren’t exactly friends, just merely acquaintances. And also, I have my own personal deal breaker which is 0 tolerance for being friends or in contact with ex’s/ people you used to date. And this deal breaker of mine is a two-way street, but this wasn’t the case for I & Bob, but that’s a whole other blog post. FYI this deal breaker isn’t an insecurity of mine. I just personally wouldn't feel comfortable being in a relationship or dating someone, where my other half is still friends with someone they used to shag. And this isn’t me advocating ‘it’s wrong to stay friends with your ex.’ You do you Boo.
However, six years later, I broke my own rule, because I found an irrational loophole. And as previously mentioned my rule breaking started when, I’d discovered that I hadn’t, in fact, cut all communication with Dave through social media. It’s not like the days of our parents, after a breakup or parting friendships, they would never see that person again, lucky bastards…Nowadays, the only way to never see a person or speak to them again is to block, delete, untag, unfollow, unfriend. And even after emotionally dissecting them from your life, somehow, just somehow you will get a notification appearing on your phone about them! And they say technology is so advanced these days! Bitch why am I still getting notifications about my ex! I’m pretty sure if I moved to the Sahara Desert, I would still get a notification/reminder about my ex. And even worse, technology has made it so easy for us to reconnect with people without them even knowing it, it’s called social media stalking. And the reason we’ve all done it is to see‘who is winning at life.’And there’s no shame in admitting that we’ve all stalked an ex, ex-friend, ex-family member etc. The real shame would be if we are still actively stalking because no good comes out of checking up on people who are no longer in our lives.
So, it turned out that I hadn’t gone to those extremes lengths to cut communication with Dave six years ago. The line of communication opened through a comment that I had left on his most recent status. Oh, Vanessa…. I would like to say that the conversation sparked from there. Sadly, the conversation for the period of three months was very much identical to our brief time together back in 2012, brief and uneventful but with the lesson relearnt, which I promise I’ll get to. I won’t get into the nitty-gritty details of the conversation, because “he is boring,” quoted by one of my dear friends. But to whittle down what the conversation entailed; when we did speak it was very clear that we were still attracted to each other, what can I say I’ve still got it. Although, do you know that crap that people say, “it’s not about the looks, it what’s on the inside that counts." Yeah, that crap is hella true! And I rediscovered that with Dave. Although he was still very pretty, the conversation wasn’t really pretty. He spoke immaturely, played mind games, and in general the conversation was just one-sided. And then he would change his tune, he would become more engaging and generally lovely and initiate the conversation. But with a flip of a coin, he then reverted back to being a dickhead, talk about mind fuckery! This was pretty much the same crap he pulled back in 2012, only this time around 2018 Vanessa was standing her ground and calling him out on all of it. I guess you could say, I had partly learned from my past. That’s the thing about self-love, once you start learning to love yourself and really take the time to take responsibility and learn from your mistakes, you have this superpower called not putting up with bullshit.
Hold up, you may ask if you value yourself so much Vanessa, why did you continue to talk to this mug for over three months? I didn’t say I was perfect! And even if you have standards, does that mean you never slip up? No, because we’re human at the end of the day, we’re prone to being idiots! To answer your question, talking to Dave was like eating fast food, it tastes so good at the time and then later you end up feeling like a fat bitch. I was logically aware of his character and the consequences etc. But I wasn’t emotionally aware of why I was still attracted to him or even continued to talk to him. Furthermore, my loved ones couldn’t comprehend why I continued to be attracted or respond to this fool. And from this, I came to learn another valuable lesson, which is we may all tend to get caught up in the logic of trying to console our nearest and dearest when they act like morans. However, logic doesn’t always solve the dilemma head-on. The dilemma may only start making sense to us and to that person who is acting out of character; when we just simply connect emotionally, how you may ask?
By understanding the ‘why?’of the individual’s behaviour.
Interacting instead of reacting, how? Q. Do you listen to what that person is saying, or are you thinking about what your reply is going to be? I got this valuable piece of advice from a Matthew Hussey Video. I realised that sometimes in myself I fall short in the key of listening because I’m actively using logic to try and solve a dilemma. We need just simply listen before we even reply.
Once I started to simply understand my issue by exploring this issue from an emotional approach, I found myself not only giving better advice but also understanding why I act like a moran. And this is in no way shading my friends and cousins, who gave me their opinion and advice on Dave. Their advice was spot on, he was indeed “a dickhead”, but I had to figure that out for myself.
And in no way, am I disregarding logical approaches to solve dilemmas. I’m a great believer in approaching matters using a broader perspective! I started to put the pieces of the puzzles together for why I continued to act like a moran, aka ‘continue to talk to Dave the Dickhead, once I let emotion and logic join forces. I really want to say, “let the force be with you,”punnery has clearly got the better of me. Apologies, I got sidetracked, but boom, I got my answer……. I’m a hoe with no standards. Just kidding, although previously I thought that, that may be the reason. And when I briefly came to that conclusion I may have cried a little, but then I pulled myself together. There were two reasons why I continued to be attracted to Dave. Firstly, I was going through a bit of a minor identity crisis and no I’m not binary. For a while, I had been struggling with how much I had changed since 2017. There would be moments where I would find myself feeling so uncomfortable with how confident, self-assured and genially happy I was. It was scary and unfamiliar, there were moments where I even had to question if I was truly being me. Talking to Dave again, was a connection to something familiar a person I call ‘2012 Vanessa’; a naive, silly, confused girl, no standards, but so emotional. In no way do I want to be that person again, but it was a connection to something familiar. And I love ‘2012 Vanessa’ because without her I wouldn’t be who I am today, progressively confident, self-assured and genially happy. And that is someone whom I’m meant to be, whom I will continue to be, no matter how foreign it feels, because for a while sadness had become such a norm for me. Secondly, it was nice to be attracted to someone again and to have someone who was attracted to me. But I came to realise regardless of the mutual attraction, it should also be healthy and this was far from healthy, it was like a bad yo-yo diet.
What I had to relearn:
It wasn’t too long until I snapped out of my Revertigo and it happened during our last
conversation, when Dave said something so unnecessary, offensive and just immature, that it was finally like receiving a slap with a slipper from my mum when I was a kid. Further moments of clarity came to me while stuck in traffic, driving home from work. I had an honest conversation and analysis on the situation, whilst of course concentrating on the road. I thought, even though I like this person, is this person really worth it? And Dave wasn’t worth it at all. And I knew this all along, I needed in a way to relive it, to really relearn my lesson. Drum roll, please........
The lesson: Relearning what my standards, something which I thought I had mastered through my breakup. But what I had to realise was, although I was logically aware of my standards, they still needed some tweaking and that's ok, mastering a craft doesn't happen in one day, does it?
Once I had come back to my senses, I decided whatever this was with Dave, had to end. It wasn’t fun and just emotionally draining, pretty much like my relationship with Bob. And before I could gracefully have a conversation with him. He ended it so ungraciously, which didn’t surprise me, again, using manipulation. At that moment, I had two ways of reacting and responding to Dave. One in a defensive mode or two graciously by showing my value and standards, but this time actually acting on it. So, I went with number two and it was both liberating and sad at the same time. Liberating because I had said everything I needed to say to Dave, but also sad because I was losing a connection and a feeling I hadn’t felt for a long period of time. However, I came to realise regardless of those feelings, those feelings should be invested into someone worthy. I’m grateful for the short time that Dave came back into my life because in that short time it retaught me valuable lessons that even though I thought I had fully executed, I hadn’t quite mastered yet.
And Dave if you’re reading this, which you most probably aren’t, but if you did, thank you.